I threw my copy of Eat Pray Love at the wall where it hit with a satisfying th-wunk before sliding down to the floor where it lay, looking lonely and abused.
"Screw you Elizabeth Gilbert," I said to the empty room, "You may have gotten to run away from your divorce, but the rest of us have to stay and deal with the men we leave."
The men who transform into gigantic walking, talking asshats because their precious pride is wounded.
I wiggled my freshly painted blue toes at the ceiling. My feet were resting against the white iron headboard of a full sized bed I'd had since high school--the only thing left in the world that truly belonged to me and hadn't come from a life I built with the wrong someone.
My best friend's toddler waddled into her former playroom and climbed up to sit next to me. I wrinkled my nose. What was that smell?
"I needs a diaper Aunt Jenn Jenn," the tiny tot announced.
I raised my eyebrows, "No kidding."
I grabbed a diaper from the stack in the floor and pulled down her britches. "Oh good god that's gross!" I said. Stevie giggled. I wish I was in Bali.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Favorite Quotes
I love quotes. Don't you? I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you. Here they are:
"Only the educated are free."--Epictetus
"It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life." --Queen Christine of Sweden (1626-1689)
"The cause is hidden. The effect is visible to all."--Ovid
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
"Religion is the only thing left in the world that is free, which is why a lot of people 'find it'. "--Jimmy Buffett
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."--Aristotle
"It is a heretic that makes the fire,
not she who burns in 't."--Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale 2.3
"When you do dance, I wish you
A wave o' the sea, that you might ever do
Nothing but that."--Shakespeare,
"I count religion but a childish toy,
and hold there is no sin but ignorance."--Christo
"O, Thou art fairer than the evening air clad in the beauty of a thousand stars."--Christopher
"Honour is purchas'd by the deeds we do."--Christopher Marlowe, Hero and Leander
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new. -- Og Mandino (1923 - 1996)
"An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory." --Friedrich Engels
"Only the educated are free."--Epictetus
"It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life." --Queen Christine of Sweden (1626-1689)
"The cause is hidden. The effect is visible to all."--Ovid
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
"Religion is the only thing left in the world that is free, which is why a lot of people 'find it'. "--Jimmy Buffett
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."--Aristotle
"It is a heretic that makes the fire,
not she who burns in 't."--Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale 2.3
"When you do dance, I wish you
A wave o' the sea, that you might ever do
Nothing but that."--Shakespeare,
"I count religion but a childish toy,
and hold there is no sin but ignorance."--Christo
"O, Thou art fairer than the evening air clad in the beauty of a thousand stars."--Christopher
"Honour is purchas'd by the deeds we do."--Christopher Marlowe, Hero and Leander
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new. -- Og Mandino (1923 - 1996)
"An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory." --Friedrich Engels
Monday, July 23, 2012
Blood
They say blood is thicker than water. Maybe that's true of some families, of some people. I can assure you, however, it is not true of me and mine.
It must be nice to have a loving, supportive family--a family that actually sticks up for you and guides you. It must be nice to have family members who listen and are rational. It must be nice to grow up with the Cleavers or Nina and George Banks (Father of the Bride) as parents. Hell, it must be nice to have "parents" at all.
My childhood was not cushy. There are certainly people who would like me to pretend it was. It wasn't. Lots of people have crappy childhoods so I won't bemoan mine here. That's a waste of space. I'll just say it wasn't all rainbows and bunnies and move on.
I did a lot more with my paycheck than people think I did--than people want to admit I did. That's fine too.
I provided a lot more than anyone wants to fess up to. That's fine.
I've helped when asked. I've helped when not asked. I've defended when my defense wasn't deserved. I've gone above and beyond what a lot of people would do. That's fine too.
I've never been thanked. Fine. Being selfless is often thankless and unappreciated. I don't expect thanks anyway.
I can deal with all of that.
But you know what I can't deal with?
Daring to call me and screech at me about something someone else did. Maybe if this particular someone else was ever called out on his bad behavior by anyone other than me he would stop acting so poorly all the time. Maybe if anyone had ever called him out on his BS instead of coming up with excuses for him he never would have gotten himself arrested for doing something as monumentally STUPID as driving drunk. But no--apparently dyslexia is a running excuse to get away with everything but murder in my "family."
You know what else I cannot fathom? Daring to jabber your jaws about me BEHIND MY BACK and then deny it and defend it in the same breath. If you open your mouth and have a conversation ABOUT ME when I am NOT PRESENT that is talking about me behind my back, and if you are saying NEGATIVE, NASTY things about me BEHIND MY BACK then you should know that is UNACCEPTABLE. Could someone explain to me why I am STILL parenting ADULTS?!!
You talk about me behind my back and stick your noses up like you think you are somehow morally superior to me despite any good thing I have ever done for any of you, and you expect me to just roll over and take it. You talk about me behind my back like a bunch of old lady gossips and run your mouths about me with judgmental remarks that aren't even called for AND THEN YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE.....and YOU judge ME?
You want to talk to me about FAMILY and LOYALTY? In case it has somehow escaped your notice, I happen to be going through the never-ending divorce from hell and this is exactly the time in my life I have most needed support, and oh so shockingly this support is notably absent from the vast majority of my "family" corner.
Making snide remarks about my life, my business, my job, my work ethic, my weight, my college degree, my debt, my "failed" marriage behind my back is anything but SUPPORTIVE. And you're guilty. You're all freaking guilty of it and you know it. You know you've had "family" discussions about me and how poor little Jennifer's perfect life finally came crashing down, and you've done it SNIDELY and HURTFULLY and I AM DONE WITH IT.
Vindictive? Vindictive means having or showing a strong desire for revenge. Since I am accused of being vindictive this clearly means I have something to avenge, does it not?
I know you're reading this and I do not give a flying f*ck that you don't like it. Maybe you're so freaking hysterical because there's more than a grain of truth in what I've said.
People can say whatever they want to about my daddy, and god knows he had more flaws than just about anyone I've ever met, but that man never uttered an ugly word about me my entire life. That's more than the rest of you can say.
I wash my hands of the lot of you. I'm done with it. With "support" like this, I don't need enemies.
It must be nice to have a loving, supportive family--a family that actually sticks up for you and guides you. It must be nice to have family members who listen and are rational. It must be nice to grow up with the Cleavers or Nina and George Banks (Father of the Bride) as parents. Hell, it must be nice to have "parents" at all.
My childhood was not cushy. There are certainly people who would like me to pretend it was. It wasn't. Lots of people have crappy childhoods so I won't bemoan mine here. That's a waste of space. I'll just say it wasn't all rainbows and bunnies and move on.
I did a lot more with my paycheck than people think I did--than people want to admit I did. That's fine too.
I provided a lot more than anyone wants to fess up to. That's fine.
I've helped when asked. I've helped when not asked. I've defended when my defense wasn't deserved. I've gone above and beyond what a lot of people would do. That's fine too.
I've never been thanked. Fine. Being selfless is often thankless and unappreciated. I don't expect thanks anyway.
I can deal with all of that.
But you know what I can't deal with?
Daring to call me and screech at me about something someone else did. Maybe if this particular someone else was ever called out on his bad behavior by anyone other than me he would stop acting so poorly all the time. Maybe if anyone had ever called him out on his BS instead of coming up with excuses for him he never would have gotten himself arrested for doing something as monumentally STUPID as driving drunk. But no--apparently dyslexia is a running excuse to get away with everything but murder in my "family."
You know what else I cannot fathom? Daring to jabber your jaws about me BEHIND MY BACK and then deny it and defend it in the same breath. If you open your mouth and have a conversation ABOUT ME when I am NOT PRESENT that is talking about me behind my back, and if you are saying NEGATIVE, NASTY things about me BEHIND MY BACK then you should know that is UNACCEPTABLE. Could someone explain to me why I am STILL parenting ADULTS?!!
You talk about me behind my back and stick your noses up like you think you are somehow morally superior to me despite any good thing I have ever done for any of you, and you expect me to just roll over and take it. You talk about me behind my back like a bunch of old lady gossips and run your mouths about me with judgmental remarks that aren't even called for AND THEN YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE.....and YOU judge ME?
You want to talk to me about FAMILY and LOYALTY? In case it has somehow escaped your notice, I happen to be going through the never-ending divorce from hell and this is exactly the time in my life I have most needed support, and oh so shockingly this support is notably absent from the vast majority of my "family" corner.
Making snide remarks about my life, my business, my job, my work ethic, my weight, my college degree, my debt, my "failed" marriage behind my back is anything but SUPPORTIVE. And you're guilty. You're all freaking guilty of it and you know it. You know you've had "family" discussions about me and how poor little Jennifer's perfect life finally came crashing down, and you've done it SNIDELY and HURTFULLY and I AM DONE WITH IT.
Vindictive? Vindictive means having or showing a strong desire for revenge. Since I am accused of being vindictive this clearly means I have something to avenge, does it not?
I know you're reading this and I do not give a flying f*ck that you don't like it. Maybe you're so freaking hysterical because there's more than a grain of truth in what I've said.
People can say whatever they want to about my daddy, and god knows he had more flaws than just about anyone I've ever met, but that man never uttered an ugly word about me my entire life. That's more than the rest of you can say.
I wash my hands of the lot of you. I'm done with it. With "support" like this, I don't need enemies.
Friday, July 20, 2012
It's A Busy Life
I know I've been MIA (again), but this has been one crazy year for me.
It's funny, right before I turned 28 I was told that 28 is a year of transformation. I was told this year would bring big changes, dramatic differences, and though difficult this transitory stage would be worth it.
Tomorrow marks four months since I turned 28, and you know what? This has definitely been a year of transformation! I had no idea so many things could change at once. I had no idea how difficult this many simultaneous changes could be. I also had no idea how rewarding all this change would be.
I've let go of a lot of anger and bitterness, and I've found a piece of happiness to call my own. It isn't easy. This is has been hard, will continue being hard, but I believe it's worth it. I'll come out on the other side better and brighter and happier.
I am learning to enjoy the small things. I am embracing the "norm," the "everyday," and I'm enjoying it. I can't remember the last time I was so at peace. It took me a while to get here, and sometimes it is a struggle to stay here, but I'm a work in progress so it can't all be perfect :)
As to what I've been up to:
It's funny, right before I turned 28 I was told that 28 is a year of transformation. I was told this year would bring big changes, dramatic differences, and though difficult this transitory stage would be worth it.
Tomorrow marks four months since I turned 28, and you know what? This has definitely been a year of transformation! I had no idea so many things could change at once. I had no idea how difficult this many simultaneous changes could be. I also had no idea how rewarding all this change would be.
I've let go of a lot of anger and bitterness, and I've found a piece of happiness to call my own. It isn't easy. This is has been hard, will continue being hard, but I believe it's worth it. I'll come out on the other side better and brighter and happier.
I am learning to enjoy the small things. I am embracing the "norm," the "everyday," and I'm enjoying it. I can't remember the last time I was so at peace. It took me a while to get here, and sometimes it is a struggle to stay here, but I'm a work in progress so it can't all be perfect :)
As to what I've been up to:
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| I'm still running. I'm down 20 pounds since last year, and I feel great. Classic cars along my route never fail to make me grin like an idiot. |
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| Finger painting with a tiny tot is really one of life's best simple pleasures. |
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| I found this ruin on a recent trip to the mountains. I have no idea what it once was, but the possibilities are endless. |
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| I discovered a "new" old band whose music is amazing. CAKE! And I went to see them in concert. Pure awesomeness. |
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| I finally got some pinup photos taken. I've never had so much fun! |
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| And of course ENJOYING LIFE :) |
Friday, July 6, 2012
Life HAPPENS: transformation
I used to be a really angry person. I was catty. I had a very short fuse. I could react immaturely to certain circumstances. I was not the nicest person in the world, that's for damn sure! But then something happened. I changed my life.
It wasn't easy. In a lot of ways it was an uphill battle. In some ways it still is. But now heading uphill doesn't seem so terrible. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm finally cresting the hill.
A lot of people do not agree with the process through which I discovered my happiness. Some people seem to think I am supposed to be miserable until my divorce is finalized. I was apparently supposed to sit around all alone and sulk for at least a full year. I was supposed to sob and cry and feel bad for myself. I should (according to some people) be wallowing in self pity right now as I write this.
People do not seem to understand that LIFE HAPPENS no matter what's going on. My world did not stop turning just because I decided to leave my husband. I was trapped in an unhappy marriage for 7 years. I was unhappy for the better part of a decade. That isn't an exaggeration. That's the truth. And I was unhappy right after I left. I grieved my mistakes and the marriage I wish I had had, but I didn't have. I wished things had turned out differently, but you know what? Things didn't turn out differently.
So one day I stopped feeling bad for myself. I stopped being angry. I let go of the bitterness and I stopped hating myself for leaving. I stopped hating my husband for making me feel like I had to stay as long as I did stay. I just stopped with the negativity. I dried my tears and I stood up and I decided to be happy.
That's right: I DECIDED to be happy. The first step to my renewed happiness was a complete overhaul of my attitude, and most particularly my selfish materialism. I wanted to simplify my life. So I did. No cable. No home phone. No new clothes. No new designer handbags. No new shoes. I didn't buy anything that wasn't absolutely essential. I lived that way for a month. I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, but I did it.
I'm glad I did too. It taught me that I really don't need all of the "stuff" I thought I "needed" to be happy. None of the material things I gave up improved the quality of my life. I still don't have a home phone or cable. I don't think I'll ever have either again. I have more time to do truly important things--things that actually do improve my quality of life--because I'm not sitting around chatting on the phone or flipping 200 channels on the tv. I'm sure I'll eventually cave on the handbag, but I don't feel like I need a Coach bag to prove anything to anyone anymore and that's a pretty big deal.
I also cut a lot of people out of my life. Some of them acted in ways that effectively cut themselves from my life. If you were not supportive, overly negative, insistent upon telling me how to live my life, judgmental, or immature then I decided that I did not need you in my life. That was the hardest part of this transformation--realizing who my real friends were and leaving the not so real friends in the dust. But it was worth it too because I am no longer constantly angry or driven by a need to keep up with the Jones's (so to speak). I am completely convinced my new self awareness and my new brighter (and much more positive) outlook on life has a lot to do with shedding the negative people in my life.
One of those people recently tweeted a passive aggressive comment about me. I know it was about me because I know her very, very well--she was once my "best friend" or at least I thought she was. The old me would have blown a gasket over her catty remark, and I must admit to an initial spark of white hot anger. But that anger quickly faded and was replaced with sadness, sadness for her not for me.
You see, I no longer care what other people think of my life. I no longer care what she thinks of my life or my choices. I don't care because I am finally really and truly joyful. I am blissful. I am at peace. I am at peace with myself and my life and my choices. I am peaceful and so other people's opinions on my life no longer affect me.
I am sad for her. I have changed so momentously in six short months, and she is still the same angry, catty, passive aggressive person she always was. I've moved on to greener pastures and her remarks prove she hasn't done that yet. I hope she does soon. I hope she finds herself, and I hope she finds the inner peace and happiness that I have fought for and been blessed with. I hope my ex finds that peace too.
You know why? Because life is good. It really is. And I'm going to enjoy mine.
It wasn't easy. In a lot of ways it was an uphill battle. In some ways it still is. But now heading uphill doesn't seem so terrible. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm finally cresting the hill.
A lot of people do not agree with the process through which I discovered my happiness. Some people seem to think I am supposed to be miserable until my divorce is finalized. I was apparently supposed to sit around all alone and sulk for at least a full year. I was supposed to sob and cry and feel bad for myself. I should (according to some people) be wallowing in self pity right now as I write this.
People do not seem to understand that LIFE HAPPENS no matter what's going on. My world did not stop turning just because I decided to leave my husband. I was trapped in an unhappy marriage for 7 years. I was unhappy for the better part of a decade. That isn't an exaggeration. That's the truth. And I was unhappy right after I left. I grieved my mistakes and the marriage I wish I had had, but I didn't have. I wished things had turned out differently, but you know what? Things didn't turn out differently.
So one day I stopped feeling bad for myself. I stopped being angry. I let go of the bitterness and I stopped hating myself for leaving. I stopped hating my husband for making me feel like I had to stay as long as I did stay. I just stopped with the negativity. I dried my tears and I stood up and I decided to be happy.
That's right: I DECIDED to be happy. The first step to my renewed happiness was a complete overhaul of my attitude, and most particularly my selfish materialism. I wanted to simplify my life. So I did. No cable. No home phone. No new clothes. No new designer handbags. No new shoes. I didn't buy anything that wasn't absolutely essential. I lived that way for a month. I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, but I did it.
I'm glad I did too. It taught me that I really don't need all of the "stuff" I thought I "needed" to be happy. None of the material things I gave up improved the quality of my life. I still don't have a home phone or cable. I don't think I'll ever have either again. I have more time to do truly important things--things that actually do improve my quality of life--because I'm not sitting around chatting on the phone or flipping 200 channels on the tv. I'm sure I'll eventually cave on the handbag, but I don't feel like I need a Coach bag to prove anything to anyone anymore and that's a pretty big deal.
I also cut a lot of people out of my life. Some of them acted in ways that effectively cut themselves from my life. If you were not supportive, overly negative, insistent upon telling me how to live my life, judgmental, or immature then I decided that I did not need you in my life. That was the hardest part of this transformation--realizing who my real friends were and leaving the not so real friends in the dust. But it was worth it too because I am no longer constantly angry or driven by a need to keep up with the Jones's (so to speak). I am completely convinced my new self awareness and my new brighter (and much more positive) outlook on life has a lot to do with shedding the negative people in my life.
One of those people recently tweeted a passive aggressive comment about me. I know it was about me because I know her very, very well--she was once my "best friend" or at least I thought she was. The old me would have blown a gasket over her catty remark, and I must admit to an initial spark of white hot anger. But that anger quickly faded and was replaced with sadness, sadness for her not for me.
You see, I no longer care what other people think of my life. I no longer care what she thinks of my life or my choices. I don't care because I am finally really and truly joyful. I am blissful. I am at peace. I am at peace with myself and my life and my choices. I am peaceful and so other people's opinions on my life no longer affect me.
I am sad for her. I have changed so momentously in six short months, and she is still the same angry, catty, passive aggressive person she always was. I've moved on to greener pastures and her remarks prove she hasn't done that yet. I hope she does soon. I hope she finds herself, and I hope she finds the inner peace and happiness that I have fought for and been blessed with. I hope my ex finds that peace too.
You know why? Because life is good. It really is. And I'm going to enjoy mine.
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| lifeisgood.com |
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