Labor and Delivery...and Daddies

Earlier today one of my former professors emailed me this article about a French obstetrician who suggested that fathers shouldn't be in the delivery room.  Dr. Odent conducted a study that found the presence of the father in the delivery room caused undue stress on the mother, and even a reduced production of oxytocin which aids the body in delivery.  My professor wanted my opinion on this article.

You see, once upon a time I was a labor and delivery nurse.  It was hands down one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs I have ever had the fortune of performing.  That's not to say there weren't times when I hated my job.

In fact, I spent much of each day with sore feet, an aching back, and a migraine pounding behind my eyes because let's face it--women in labor scream bloody murder A LOT.  They are frightened, in pain, and misery really does love company.

Labor and delivery nurses spend their days covered in various bodily fluids with strangers shrieking at them (or just shrieking in general) and worried family members demanding they "do something" about the "pain" the mother-to-be is experiencing.  Sorry to break it to you, but it's going to hurt no matter what we nurses do.

I have actually had things thrown at me in the delivery room.  Birthing mothers are not all calm and angelic (some are).  Most are actually harpies bent on destruction.  Yeah, okay, that's not nice.  It is, however, true.  The harpies are miraculously transformed into smiling and peaceful women following the arrival of their baby, but during the labor and delivery most women are virtual nightmares.

So why do it?  Why do a job that is admittedly gross and obviously stressful?

That depends on who you ask.  Most people do it for the moments that come after the baby is born.  It really is wonderful to see two people (and sometimes a whole roomful of people) literally glowing with joy.  Some people do it for the birth itself.  It is amazing what women's bodies are capable of.  There is something overpoweringly spiritual about watching an infant take its very first breath as it emerges into this world from the safety of its mother's womb.  There is also something warm and fuzzy about providing laboring women with comfort.  The job is filled with an overabundance of jouissance--bliss so powerful that it is, in this particular instance, literally painful.

Those are all great reasons to do the job, but those aren't my reasons.  I enjoyed all of the aforementioned emotional benefits of labor and delivery nursing, but none of those things kept me coming into work every day.

I came to work every single day for the first time parents--the first time daddies in particular.  I know, most nurses are there for the mommies and my job was all about the mommies-to-be and to a certain extent the new babies.  But the mommies weren't my favorite part.

First time fathers were my favorite part of the job.  You see, when a man see his very first baby for the very first time there is this breathtakingly beautiful moment where joy and awe and fear and the dawning realization that he is now a father all pass across his face in a matter of seconds.  There's this look--this first time daddy look--and it is the singular most amazing part of the labor and delivery experience.

My cousin Heather was kind enough to share a photo that very nearly captures this moment with me and all of you.  This is her husband, Jerold, holding their first daughter Katelyn for the very first time.  It's miraculous:

I think men only have that look in them once.  It's a look that always took my breath away and made my heart flutter.  It's that look that made me realize after years of swearing I'd never have children that I do in fact want children.

So for that look alone I would say daddies belong in the delivery room.

Assuming I'm Something I'm Not

Photo courtesy of Motifake

I know I've been writing about the big ugly d-word a lot lately.  No, not that one! Perv!  Divorce!  Divorce is the word I'm talking about here.  I promise I will start writing about other stuff again soon, but right now this divorce is kind of a big deal and it takes up a lot of space in my life and I write about my own experiences, so here's another one on divorce.

Earlier this week someone in my family informed me that I "should" (her diction, not mine) sign over my part of the house and "let" my ex "move on and be happy" because (here's the kicker) I've "moved on and I'm happy now, so he should get to do the same."  There are SEVERAL problems with this statement and (justifiably in my opinion) this conversation upset me on several levels.

First, it presupposes that someone who is NOT actually living this horrible experience knows more about it, my relationship with my ex, and my own inner turmoil than I do.  You can't possibly know more about my divorce than I do.  It is NOT possible.  No one can know more about this than me because no one else is living this.  No one else is in my shoes.  You can't tell me what I 'should' do. I resent the very implication that you--an outsider--could possibly determine what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do in this situation.  You can't!  It's that simple.

Second, this statement assumes that you know more about how to handle this situation than I do.  I don't care if you've been divorced (and the person in question has not, by the way, ever been through a divorce), your divorce is not my divorce.  The two are not the same.  Similar?  Maybe.  The same?  Absolutely not.  Your situation was radically different from my situation because the two people involved are radically different.  No two relationships are exactly the same.  Therefore, no two divorces are exactly the same either.

Third, the very nature of the entire sentence "You should sign over your part of the house so he can move on and he can be happy because you've already moved on and are happy and he deserves to be able to do the same" expresses more concern for my ex than for me.  That's not okay in this instance.  It is not acceptable to be more concerned about my ex and his well being, his emotional and financial fitness, than mine.  That is not being supportive.  Let his family and friends throw me under the bus.  You don't get to.  You're either with me or against me on this one (or out of it entirely--I can handle that option to).  There is no murky gray area here.  If you are MY family then you are supposed to support ME in this mess.  ME.  Just me.  Not anybody else.  You know why?  Because I guaran-damn-tee you his family isn't concerned about me in this.  Nor should they be.

And finally, the most egregious part of this statement, the most hurtful and anger-inducing aspect, is that this statement assumes that I am "happy."  This statement assumes that I'm somehow perfectly one hundred and ten percent okay, which by the way implies that I am some kind of heartless robot.

I may not be curled into the fetal position in the middle of the floor sobbing hysterically and sucking my thumb, but that does not mean that I am fine.  Just because I'm not falling apart at the seams don't assume that I'm not carrying some hurt around with me.  Just because I choose not to show it to you, don't assume that I am "happy" and "fine."  Also, don't assume that just because I'm happy that means I somehow deserve less of the material things that came out of my marriage.  That's not what that means.  Am I happy?  Yes.  Some days.  Some days I am very happy.  But that doesn't mean that I am not also incredibly damaged by this toxic relationship and its end.

You are an outsider in this.  You will never know anything other than what I choose to tell you, and the truth of the matter is that while I appear to be an open book there are several chapters that are off limits to you, the outsider, the person who is not me.

I am not the kind of woman who falls to pieces. I am not the kind of woman who throws her hands up and goes crawling on hands and knees for a hole to hide in.  I don't go cry on shoulders that aren't my own, nor do I freaking want to. I do not hold up my pain for the world to see.

Considering I spent nearly a decade hiding all of my hurt from the entire world it looks like the rest of you would have figured out I'm pretty good at keeping things to myself when I want to.

I am the kind of woman who stands tall and strong, facing my problems head on.  I weather the storm on my own.  I am a big girl and I take all of this hurt like a woman--with a smile on my face and a raw determination to keep going until I find the peace I'm after.  And I will find the peace I'm after.

But right now I don't have the peace.  And I'm not asking any of you to give it to me or to tell me how to get it.  I can figure that out on my own; I can achieve this on my own.  What I am asking you to do is listen and reserve judgement for someone else.  I don't want to hear your "I woulds" and "you shoulds".  You can keep those for someone else too.  You can be supportive by listening to me and by believing in me.  You can be supportive by trusting that I am a grown woman, a strong woman, an intelligent woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and coming out on top.

If you can't do that then you can be supportive by getting the hell out of my life because chances are I don't need your particular brand of support in it right now.

To Do

I've posted to do lists before, and most of you usually like looking at them.  My current to do list, however, is a doozy.  There are way too many items left undone.  I'll get them all finished eventually.  So here it is:

To Do:

Find an apartment that doesn't suck

Find a FT job or a second PT job (preferably the former)

MOVE!

Order Kristeva book

Go back to pick up Kristeva book

Read Kristeva before Wednesday

Begin Miller book

Start Thesis Research  (half crossed out because I don't want to give myself too much credit on this one)

Order rest of books for semester

Finish cooperage project at work and begin new exhibition project (nearly there)


It feels like a lot.  It feels like I have so much to do that I'll never get it all done.  Then I look at the list logically and I see the first three are providing all the pressure, and the rest of the items on this list really aren't that hard to accomplish. 

I can do this.  I just have to accept that it might take a while.

Miscommunications/Words

*I apologize in advance.  This entry will contain some babble you likely won't understand.  I hope you enjoy it anyhow.

 

"I know that you believe you understand what you

think I said, but I'm not sure you realize 

that what you heard is not what I meant."

--Robert McCloskey

Have you ever gotten really upset over something someone said, even when you know that the thing that was said was not meant to be hurtful?  Well I'm upset right now because of something someone said to me this morning, even though I know what was said was not intended to upset me.  I hope I'm not the only one who gets upset when they know no offense was meant.

Here's my question though:  does it really matter if no offense was meant if offense was given?  Does the intention supersede the emotional toll inflicted?

I mean it's not like you can un-hear what you heard.  I can't very well pretend I never heard it.  Nor can I pretend what was heard didn't have a negative emotional impact on me.  

It doesn't seem to matter if I am logically aware that hurt feelings were not the intended outcome of the remark--hurt feelings are what I've got.  Words sting, especially when words in a particular context have been utilized as weapons for years--aimed to maim. 

When words have been used to cause nearly irreparable damage there comes a point when it no longer matters who wields the words--the words themselves become daggers and when not used carefully these daggers draw blood.

Words are potent, powerful....dangerous.  I've been reading a lot of Julia Kristeva's work for one of my grad classes.  She argues that words themselves, the structures and superstructures of language even, are literal revolutionary acts.  The spoken and written word are a revolution--a violent sundering of something huge. 

I think I agree with her.  Words can be revolutionary.  The intention doesn't always matter.  Words are intimately bound to emotions.  Words elicit emotional responses.  Words can harm and heal, cut to the core and sooth a broken heart.  

I think you have to be careful with words.

On Apartment Hunting

I've spent most of this week apartment hunting.  I forgot just how annoying it can be.  I also forgot that I hate moving.  Like really hate moving.

I've lived in the same house for six years.  That's a long time to spend in one place.  I lived in an apartment complex before that, but we lived in that place for three years.  I haven't had to go apartment hunting in nearly a decade. 

The first place I went to I made the mistake of telling the leasing agent I was getting divorced.  I have discovered that if you mention divorce to a divorced person it leads to a very long one-sided conversation about their divorce and how much divorce sucks and how, "You will get through this, honey."  She followed me around the apartment telling me her deepest, darkest divorce secrets. She was trying to be kind and supportive, but the entire time I kept thinking oh god, I hope I'm not going to do this to someone else one day...I bet I will.

The next place looked great on the internet, but I'm fully convinced all of the photos on the website were ten years old and doctored.  It was a rat hole, and that's putting it nicely.  As I got back into my car a grungy looking man who could possibly have been homeless yelled, "Hey baby! Why don't you bring that fine ass over here?"  Um, no thank you.

I found a townhome I like, but it has gas heat and TWO SETS of sliding glass doors.  Isn't it easy to break into sliding glass doors?  *shakes head* This one is still on the maybe list.

I'm about to leave to look at a condo and a house.  Here's to hoping for no perverts and no divorcees! Wish me luck.

Freakout: Take 1

Photo courtesy of hhnrumors.com

Please excuse me while I freak the f*ck out.  Over something potentially ridiculous.  I even feel slightly ridiculous right now.  I don't freak out.  This is not me. 

I'm the calm one.  I'm reposed. I'm the person everyone else looks to in a crisis because I'm the one who keeps it together. I am the one who keeps her cool when everyone else is panicking.  I'm calm, cool, and collected. ALWAYS. I don't freakout. I don't do this.

Except I am doing this.  I am freaking out. I am seriously freaking out.  I'm not entirely sure I've ever really freaked out before.

And the worst part?  I'm pretty sure the reason I'm freaking out is completely foolish.

I'm freaking out because I just got a big fat check and I now have enough money to move.  I can leave.  Really leave.  I can find a new place to live and sign a lease.  I can move.

I want to move.  I need to move.  I know I can't stay in the house.  I know the house isn't really mine anymore.  I know I'm getting a divorce.  I know I have to move.  I've been waiting for this check so I could move. 

So now that the check is here why am I freaking out?  And I mean really freaking out.  My stomach hurts.  I can't breathe.  I feel sick.  I think I might cry. Is this what panicking feels like?  I don't do this emotion.  This emotion is not one I am familiar with and I don't know how to deal with it.  I don't like it.  Good God! Is this what my life is going to be like from now on?

Seriously--I am freaking out.  Holy God, this sucks!  What in the hell do you people do when you feel like this?  It's awful.  Ugh.

Changes

"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition

of self will require not just small adjustments in

your way of living and thinking but a full-on 

metamorphosis"

--Martha Beck

 

I had an amazing moment of utter clarity and revelation today while chatting on the phone with my friend Sam and listening to her talk about the bad breakup she experienced last year and how much her life has changed in the meantime. Her life, by the way, has changed drastically for the better--despite the dark period she had to go through to get to the light she basks in now.

I know I've been writing a lot about changes and transitions lately, but I don't think I actually absorbed the enormity of the changes and transitions coming my way. I don't think I actually comprehended on any real emotional level that the changes occurring in my life right now are changes that will ultimately alter my life and my sense of self.  I am in a stage of complete metamorphosis.

I am getting a divorce.

Whew.  There! I said it.  Out loud.  On a blog where I tend to get far more personal than many people think I should.  

Wow.  That was cathartic.  Writing that one sentence--I AM GETTING A DIVORCE--was seriously cathartic.  

It's happening.  It's a big CHANGE.  But it's happening.  Because it needs to happen.  

I struggled with writing this blog.  I struggled with the idea of writing about divorce on a blog.  It's personal.  Very personal. Maybe it's too personal.  And it sucks.  But it's honest and this blog has from its very inception been both personal and honest. 

I decided to write this blog entry for myself.  This one isn't really for you, dear readers.  It's for me.  It'll probably be too long by most professional blogging standards.  It'll probably be too personal and too uncomfortable and too everything for some people.

Some of you will judge me for it.  That's okay.

This one is for me--not you.  

I'm not sure if my husband has told his family about our impending divorce.  I'm not sure if he's accepted it.  I'm not sure if he's living in denial.  I'm not sure where he is in this process.....

Sometimes I'm not sure where I am either.  But I think that's okay.  

I've been holding my breath--living in a suspended state of being.  I've been treading water somewhere between absolute denial and total acceptance, but now I think I'm ready to move more purposely towards the acceptance side of this ordeal.  

I have not lived at home in a while.  My things are still there.  I still call it home.  But it is not home.  I will be moving all of my things to a new apartment soon.  I am sure I will sob until I vomit the day I do it.  I have no doubt it will be a heartbreaking experience to leave my home--to start a new home somewhere else.

But I think I'm getting closer to being truly peaceful with this.  I know I'm not going to be at peace immediately.  It isn't going to happen overnight.  However, I'm finally in a place where I can see how I can eventually be at peace with a new existence.

And that's what this is--a new existence, a new beginning, and in many ways....a new me.  

I'm scared.  I cry.  A LOT.  A lot for me anyway---I've never been much of a crier, but lately I've cried a lot by my own standards.  I feel alternately wishy-washy, ambivalent, angry, sad, excited, confused, certain, unbalanced, right, wrong, peaceful, unsettled, and just about everything in between.   I now fully comprehend the phrase 'emotional roller coaster' because I am on one. 

I've been telling everyone that I am okay, and in many ways I really am okay.  But the truth is--in many ways I am not okay.  In many ways I am not 'fine'.  I've finally realized that I don't have to be okay all the time.  I don't have to be fine all day long.  I am allowed to feel whatever I feel and I should just let myself feel the way I feel without guilt--even if what I feel is 'not okay.'  Feeling 'not okay' doesn't mean that I'm not okay with the divorce.  I am.  I know getting divorced is what's best.  It really is and I am okay with that.  But that doesn't mean that I have to be emotionally 'okay' all the time.  

That was a freeing revelation.  Thank you Sam.  You helped me realize that it's okay to not be okay and I needed that.

Another Survey

50 Random Questions

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

Here.

2. Who are you in love with?

Who says I'm in love with anyone?

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

No. Have you?

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yes, my socks.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

Last month.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

Please refer to question 4 ;)

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?

I have no idea what my car is worth.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

Last week.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

No. Would you like to take me to the movies? Because, you know, that would be nice.

10. Are you hot?

No. Right now I'm cold. Oh! That's not what you meant? Well, what do you think?

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Gatorade

12. What are you wearing right now?

UNC sweats and a long sleeved tee.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?

I wash it. In a bikini. While rolling all over the hood. Is that cliche enough for you?

14. Last food that you ate?

Waffles.

15. Where were you last week at this time?

Charleston with my soul sister, Sam.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

Yes.

17. When is the last time you ran?

Last week.

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?

Probably a football game.

19. What is your favorite animal?

Elephant.

20. Your dream vacation?

My answer to this question would likely change daily. Right now I'm going to go with a trip to Egypt to see the pyramids.

21. Last person's house you were in?

This one.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?

I've had a few broken bones so I suppose that's pretty bad.

23. Have you been in love?

Once.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

Always.

25. Last play you saw?

"Alice in Wonderland"

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

Ha! Like I need a secret weapon!

27. What are your plans for tonight?

I'm not sure yet. Why? Do you want me to do something with you tonight?

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?

Myspace? Do people still use that site?

29. Next trip you are going to take?

Charleston next week to see Sam.

30. Ever go to camp?

Yes.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?

Absolutely. What kind of stupid question is that?

32. What do you want to know about the future?

Everything. Lay it on me.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

No.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?

Yep.

35. Where is your best friend?

I have more than one best friend and they're all over.

36. How is your best friend?

They're all fabulous.

37. Do you have a tan?

No. I'm very fair skinned.

38. What are you listening to right now?

Spotify.

39. Do you collect anything?

Books, watches, snow globes.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

Jessica

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

Last year

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

um yes

43. What does your last text message say?

I'm getting my hair did. (Yes really) LOL

44. Do you like hot sauce?

Yes. YUM.

45. Last time you took a shower?

This morning.

46. Do you need to do laundry?

No.

47. What is your heritage?

I'm a mutt.

48. Are you someone's best friend?

Yes.

49. Are you rich?

No.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Ha.

Best Webhosting

TheTopTens - Surveys and Quizzes for Myspace

50 Random Questions (Reader Request)

Apple juice or orange juice?   Depends on my mood.

Are you a morning or night person?  I'm a total night owl.

Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?  I have a definite sweet tooth.

Ninjas or pirates?  Umm.....in real life or based upon stereotypes?  I think I'm going to go with ninjas.

Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.  Both ninjas and pirates kick ass.  Pirates are amazing, historically speaking, and if we were merely discussing history then I'd be far more interested in pirates.  However, I think I'd rather be a ninja.  Ninjas are stealthy strategist and that kind of stealth could come in very handy in numerous situations.  Therefore, I pick ninjas.

Autobots or Decepticons?  Autobots!

What was your favorite childhood television program? Scooby Doo

Are you a collector of anything? Old books and watches

If you could be any animal, what would you be? Humans are animals, therefore I am already an animal. 

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?  I would not want a superpower.

What is usually your first thought when you wake up?  Where am I?  No, just kidding!   Usually it's what do i have to do today. 

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? What I have to do the next day.

What’s your favorite color?  Blue

What’s your favorite animal?  I love animals, but elephants are my favorite.  Did you know elephants grieve their dead?  You didn't know that?!  Well now you do. 

Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?  No, but I don't discount the possibility either.  

Do you believe in ghosts?  Absolutely. 

Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? No, but I dated someone who was.  NEVER AGAIN.  NEVER.

You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? I would buy my grandparents a nicer house, pay off my mom's debt, buy my brother a house, buy myself a nice bungalow and invest the rest.

Have any bad habits?  Sure I do, but why would I tell you what they are?  Is snarkiness a bad habit?  It is?  There, you know one.

Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?  The really bad ones.....drug abuse, alcoholism.....oh I know!  I am a grammar nazi and I despise it when people misuse you're, your, there, their, they're, etc. 

List 3 of your best personality traits:   I am intelligent, honest, and ambitious.  

List 3 of your worst personality traits:   I am impatient.  Let me repeat that:  I am IMPATIENT.  i am also bossy and stubborn.

Have any celebrity crushes?   Johnny Depp (of course), Eliza Dushku, and Ben Folds (yes, really--he's smart and that's sexy)

List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:   Nothing.  I think if you change one thing about yourself then it will change other things about yourself.  I like who I am, flaws and all, so nope--no changes.

Any tattoos or piercings?   I'm getting impatient with this survey.  I think this is more than 50 questions.  No to both.

What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?   Eyes

What personality traits do you look for in a partner?   Honesty, integrity, good sense of humor, strong work ethic (and gainfully employed for God's sake), ability to laugh at yourself and patience (hey--one of us has to have some patience).

What personality traits do you dislike in other people?  Dishonesty, cruelty, conceit, snobbery, poor sense of humor

Are you mostly a clean or messy person? I'm fairly neat most of the time, but when I'm doing research it looks like a library threw up all over my room.

Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?  Oh if you only knew how funny this question is to me right now.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?  There are three places:  Charleston, SC; Asheville, NC; Galway, Ireland

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?   Ireland 

List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:  Find an apartment, find a better job, finish my graduate degree, be completely financially secure, be happy

Name 1 regret you have:   I don't believe in regret.  Learn something from your mistakes and then move on. 

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:   Summer breaks.

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:   I can do as I please....oh wait, I always did what I pleased. 

What’s your favorite song of the moment? "Barefoot Blue Jean Nights" by Jake Owen

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?  Ask me again next month when my life is no longer insane and in flux.

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?  Read and sip hot cocoa. 

Have any hidden talents?   If I told you, they wouldn't be hidden.

You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?  I would never walk the Green Mile.  This question is therefore irrelevant.  However, if you're asking my favorite meal then I'd have to say Shepherd's Pie with a Guinness. 

What would be your dream job?  To be a novelist.

Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?  I don't think I believe in true love so I'm going to say gimme the money.

If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?  To be happy, to be financially secure, and to have enough to share with others who need it.

Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why? Nope. Never.

Name 1 thing not many people know about you:   I use really expensive shampoo.  It costs $15 a bottle.  It's worth it.  I have great hair. It's my one luxury expense.

If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?  Genevieve.  It's the French version of the name I already have, but it's not as common and I think it's prettier.  .  

Do you believe in the afterlife?   Something like that.

On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?  This is not a real question, is it?  I think if you had an abortion you might want some cookies afterwards.  Cookies are comfort food.

Virginity Tests Violate Egypitan Women

In the Middle Ages a woman's worth was bound to her sexual virtue.  Virginity was not merely a physical condition, it was a spiritual constitution that symbolized purity and wholesomeness.  Virginity was not just a bargaining chip with which to secure a husband, it was absolutely expected in a future wife. Virginity was complexly idealized, signifying not only a clean soul and body, but also moral supremacy and all of the gendered expectations that fell upon anyone who had the great misfortune to be born into the lesser sex.

A woman whose virtue fell under scrutiny would be made to suffer the consequences, regardless of the truth of accusations of sexual impurity.  Women were subjected to humiliating and frightening virginity tests to prove their worth and purity of both body and spirit.  More often than not even ladies of the highest quality, women whose virtue was never under question, were forced to undergo such testing.  These virginity tests were deplorably common practice.

There were numerous ways to test a woman's virginity.  Her urine was often examined for clearness as a virgin's urine was believed to be pure and sparkling.  Sometimes she was stripped and physicians examined her breasts to see which way her nipples pointed--a virgin's nipples would, of course, point up!  Then there was the hymen test, which was considered more risque and was less frequently utilized--not because having a stranger shove their finger into a very private place would be horrifying to the woman in question but because you wouldn't want that finger to accidentally damage the hymen should she prove virginal.  The most common proof of virginity was simply a brutish display of bloodied bed sheets following the husband's sexual claiming of his virginal bride on the wedding night. 

Obviously we are well above and beyond such barbaric acts!  Surely our world has progressed enough to prize women for more than just their virginity.  No one would seek to subject modern women to such abominable tests, would they?

Unfortunately, some men would.  Some men already have. 

At least seven women in Egypt were subjected to so-called virginity tests by the military following their arrests for protesting in Tahir Square on March 9, 2011. 

Samira Ibrahim, the 25 year old marketing manager who first filed papers to take the government to court for conducting these tests, tells  The Guardian, ""The military tortured me, labelled me a prostitute and humiliated me by forcing on me a virginity test conducted by a male doctor where my body was fully exposed while military soldiers watched.""

Ibrahim says she was taken into a room where she was forced by a woman to strip naked and lie on a table while a man wearing military colors examined her for five minutes to determine the status of her virginity and while other men watched and laughed.  

In a video posted to YouTube she weeps as she describes her ordeal in graphic detail.  She says, "We wished we were dead," of herself and the other women degraded by the military on that horrific day. 

Samira Ibrahim says there were 16 women present that day, 16 women who were likely subjected to such degradation.  Only 7 of these women came forward to bring these atrocities before the Egyptian courts.

Recently an Egyptian court ruled in favor of Ibrahim and the over 6 women who brought this issue before the legal system.  Aly Fekry, the judge over the case, ruled that such testing was illegal  and it is now possible that these 7 women could receive financial compensation for pain and suffering. 

Ibrahim, however, says she feels as if she were raped.

No amount of money could possibly take away the pain and humiliation dealt to these women.

You can hear Ibrahim's story in the following video (click cc to see English captions):

New Year--New Me (Kinda)

Last year was not a terrible year.  There wasn't anything in particular about 2011 that made it awful or unbearable.  It wasn't the worst year ever, but it ended on a sour note for me.   2011 ended horribly.  The last 3 months or so of 2011 were dreadful, miserable months. 

I was in emotional turmoil.  I was sad and distraught and angry. My life was in flux. My life is still in flux.

Drastic change is never pleasant for me.  I don't like change.  I like stability.  I am habitual, ritualistic about my life.  I have daily routines that make me feel safe and peaceful.

I wake up and make myself a cup of hot tea.  I sit in silence in my living room, checking my email and sipping my tea peacefully.  That's how I start my day.  I end my day the same way. When I don't start/end my day that way I feel completely discombobulated--unbalanced, unsafe, unstable. I suspect I might have a mild case of OCD.  Anyway....

Those routines have been interrupted.  My life is turned upside-down and inside-out and topsy-turvy. 

My year is beginning with an ending.  I sobbed when the ball dropped.  I brought in my new year with tears.  I have high hopes I will end the year with smiles and laughter. 

This year is going to be a year of transformation for me.  It will be a year of great change, and hopefully great successes and eventual bliss. 

I think I'll take my cue from Sir Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1850

May you all do the same.  Happy New Year.