Let me tell you what it's like when you're going through a divorce. It's like you are living on some beautiful island during rainy season. Everything is sunny and bright and wonderful, and then out of nowhere....BAM! Lightening and thunder and rain and damaging winds buffet you and you have no shelter. That's what it's like.
You have these moments of bliss. You're happy. You're smiling. You're loving life. It's a good day.
But then. But then. But then....
You are alone. You have solitude, and instead of the peace such solitude brought you in the past, you have wave after wave of emotion to ride out before you just crash into an unsettled slumber. You are happy and scared and immeasurably sad and heartbroken and hopeful and nostalgic and hurting and secure that you were right to go and insecure with where you are and much like this horrible run-on sentence you are all of these things all at once--these emotions crash into each other one after the other in a horrible, soul-bruising storm.
Then the next day comes and you are fine. You feel normal. You enjoy life.
And then again out of nowhere a few days later the emotional storm attacks you again. You miss your home. You miss your routines. You miss your pets. You miss that sense of ease and friendship and normalcy you shared with someone else--even if you were lacking that certain something that makes a marriage work. You miss the things that did work. You miss the security of the known. You are terrified of the unknown--terrified of being hurt again, terrified of screwing up your life, terrified of everything and nothing. You are empty. You are sorrowful. You beat yourself up.
But then you're fine again. Someone does something or says something and you laugh or smile and know with a bone deep certainty that divorce really is the answer.
It's a roller coaster. It's not a fun ride. I want off. Someone tell the operator to stop the carts.