Astrology

My mom has always been really into astrology.  I remember her reading my horoscope aloud to me from the tv guide when I was little.  Most of the women in my family pay attention to horoscopes.  I can, in fact, tell you the sun sign of nearly every member of my family. 

It's no surprise then that my best friend, Sam, who has a blog you should visit, is also into astrology.  I am sitting at her house right now (she's at work) reading her numerous astrology books and giggling hysterically because most of what these books has to say about me seems to be true.

I'm an Aries (if you want to get all technical about it then I was actually born on the Pisces-Aries cusp--but most astrology books etc. don't get into the cusps....but I do have one at home that does and it's pretty amazing). 

If you google 'Aries keywords' here are some of the words you get:

• Independent
• Impulsive
• Impatient
• Courageous
• Generous
• Short tempered
• Moody
• Assertive
• Leader
• Energetic
• Competitive
• Self-Involved

Now all of those words or phrase are not glowing compliments.  I could have omitted them, but I didn't.  I am impatient and short tempered and competitive, and yes, I can be self-involved.  I admit it.  For the most part these are pretty right on.

Now let's look at some of the lengthier descriptions:

"People with Sun in Aries are direct, straightforward, and uncomplicated.  They expect the same from others, and are baffled when they don't always get it." -- Cafe Astrology

"Calling [Aries woman] a 'man's woman' is a gross understatement, as she is far more like-minded and at ease with the opposite sex than with her own.  She goes where men go, she does what men do--no double standard, no questions asked." Sextrology by Starsky and Cox

"She doesn't plan to fall in love--in fact, she often tries her hardest to avoid doing so." Sextrology

"When a Ram is angry, the whole neighborhood knows." Love on a Rotten Day by Hazel Dixon-Cooper

"This sign doesn't do 'we'll always be friends.' Aries feels if you are stupid enough to let them get away, you are too stupid to hang around with." Love on a Rotten Day

"Aries are kings and queens of the five-minute *&@#.  ....The good part is Rams also recover in about five minutes, so you are in for multiple sessions of hot, albeit quick sex. ...Aries is all about action."  Love on a Rotten Day

"[Aries] jump[s] at the opportunity to try anything fresh and interesting." Choose Your Lover Carefully by Cass and Janie Jackson

"Your greatest objective in life is to win." Choose Your Lover Carefully

I'm not going to comment on the above statements--make what you want to out of them ;)  I think my favorite description of Aries woman went something like this "Aries woman is smoking hot in elegant evening attire, but she looks just as great in her signature tee and jeans."  Okay, so I'm paraphrasing because I can't remember where I read it but it said something like that and I do tend to live in jeans and tees. 

I like astrology.  I think some of it is truer than most of us would like to admit.  What's your sign?

Hearts

"I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy.

 If you only knew it, you

are in luck not to have a heart."

L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Photo courtesy of free-extras.com

I don't particularly like The Wizard of Oz.  In all seriousness, I dislike most of both the book and the movie.  I never liked it.  Something about it disturbs me.  Perhaps it's the truth that underlays all the silliness, the profundity of the most ridiculous characters.  

The above quote touches some deeply buried piece of my soul today.   I am not a hopeless romantic.  Far from it, actually.  I've been called the anti-romantic.  It isn't that I don't like romance.  That's not it at all.  The over-the-top actions of men in chick flicks always give me warm fuzzies.  But they also make me suspicious. 

I don't trust romance.  It's not real.  There must be an ulterior motive behind such lavish acts and sugary words.   Those movies lie.  

No one would ever do any of those crazy things. Like in "10 Things I Hate About You" when Heath Ledger's character sings to Kat on the bleachers in front of a huge audience--yeah right.  No guy would ever willingly make that big a fool of himself.  Or in "Dirty Dancing" when Johnny shows up and dances with Baby at the end--yeah, that would totally never happen.  

I think most matters of the heart are more likely to follow the plot of "Casablanca."  Ilsa and Rick fall in love and hurt each other years before the plot picks up and then Ilsa shows up in Casablanca at Rick's night club where they proceed to love and hurt each other some more, and finally at the very end there is no happily ever after:  Ilsa leaves and Rick stays and no one is happy.  Now that's real.  That's life.  That's what happens.

I know that sounds cynical, but I prefer to call it realistic, and in my current state it seems more than fitting.  I think we hurt ourselves.  

We break our own hearts by not being careful with whom we allow to hold them.  Sometimes we break them by trying to keep them from getting broken. 

Sometimes we try to trust and let go but our brains won't let us because our brains know better.  

Perhaps I just need to process things today.  I need to process my life and what it is and what it will become. I need time to think and feel and understand. I need plans and order and some kind of reassurance from the universe that I haven't lost my bloody mind.  That's what I need today.  

Do you ever feel that way? Have you ever felt that way?  Do you think I'm just completely cynical and damaged now?  Or do you suspect I might be realistic and honest?  Food for thought.

Happy Holidays Post

I love Christmas lights.  They make me smile.  It's a simple pleasure, but sparkling lights are pretty high up my list of favorite things.  But Christmas is over now, and the lights will be coming down soon.

My holiday was delightful.  I was blessed with good company, love, and laughter.  I certainly don't have any complaints. 

I am currently wearing a pretty new sweater and playing with my new Kindle (squeeee!).  My dog is laying in the middle of the floor chewing on a bull roll (Merry Christmas Beowulf) and wagging his tail.  My cats are happily eating turkey out of their bowls and in a few moments I will be traveling back to my hometown to see some friends. Overall, it's been a pretty nice Christmas.

2012 is just around the corner and I can't wait to see what it holds for me.  I have a feeling 2012 is going to be a year of transformation.  I have some huge changes coming, but I'm ready. 

Sorry so short--but I'm short on time today.  Wishing you and your's a happy holiday and many blessings for the new year--

-Jennifer

The Unexpected

"Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me."

--Carl Sandburg

I am not the kind of person who typically enjoys unexpected occurrences.  I like to be prepared for--well--everything.  I like to know what to expect.  

I'm a planner.  I plan everything.  I like to know I have a plan in place, and even if nothing goes according to that plan I find comfort in the simple fact that I at least had a plan to start with.

I don't fall apart when I don't have a plan. I can usually roll with the punches.  I can adapt when things fall to pieces.  I keep a cool head in a crisis.  I react quickly and appropriately in most situations.  But I still like to know what to expect and when to expect it.

Right now I'm not in a position to really know what to expect or when to expect it.  I feel like a snow globe someone tossed into the air and now everything is whirling and spinning and topsy-turvey and I can't see where I'm going to land because all of the snow is in the way.

The worst part is I'm the one who did the throwing. I spun myself out of control and now I've got to deal with it. I think this must be a learning phase in my life.  There is a lesson in this somewhere.  I think I know what it is too.

I am slowly learning that you can't control everything and sometimes the unexpected, while scary, can also be amazing.  Sometimes its what we didn't look for, what we didn't expect, that can make all the difference.  

My grandma says sometimes you just have to let go and let God.  Now I'm not particularly religious and until recently I thought that particular saying was utter hogwash, but lately it seems more profound and less ridiculous.  

Perhaps I can rephrase it to my own liking--sometimes you have to let go and let the universe.  Sometimes you just have to stop trying to control everything and just let what will be happen all on its own.  Sometimes you just have to throw a little faith out there and trust that someone or something will catch you when you fall.

So that's what I'm doing--throwing a little faith out there and hoping someone will catch me when all the walls come tumbling down.

You know--LIFE

I wish I could say 2011 is wrapping up nicely for me....but it isn't.  There are ragged edges and loose ends.  Things kind of suck right now.  I've been through SUCK before so I know I can get through it, but knowing and doing are two very different things. 

I am not a particularly patient person.  I like for things to be nice and neat and in their place.  I am normally practical to a fault and I make decisions quickly and without regret.  Right this second the only Jenn-typical trait I seem to be exhibiting is impatience.  Things are not nice and neat and in their place.  I am not behaving particularly practically in a given situation, but in my defense are emotion-driven needs and reactions ever practical?  I am also not making decisions quickly, nor without regret.  Nothing seems as black and white, as cut and dried as it should.  I'm in a perpetual state of confusion and malcontent--and I hate it.

I'm not very happy right now.  I would not typically admit that to anyone, but I promised myself (and all of you) when I started this blog that I would keep it honest.  And this is honest.  Life isn't all sunshine and fluffy bunnies.  Sometimes life is messy and ugly and heartbreaking.  It isn't always pretty.  So I'm writing about it.  I'm writing about it because it's possible many of you are also living in an ugly space right now and maybe you can relate (or maybe it'll be nice to read this and know you are not alone and someone else is having a tough time too).

I do have some good news though: I got A's in both of my graduate classes this semester!  I have 2 semesters left before I will graduate.  Woohoo! I also found a few really awesome jobs to apply for.  Do me a favor and send me some good thoughts and job-getting prayers?  I'd appreciate it.   Happy holidays dear ones!

Uncertainty

"I believe that uncertainty is really my spirit's way of whispering, "I'm in flux. I can't decide for you. Something is off-balance here."

--Oprah Winfrey

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."

--Voltaire

Today I find myself  immersed in doubt, swimming in a sea of uncertainty.  I know nothing in life is really ever certain, but I like to fool myself into believing otherwise.  I create routines and habits, organizing my life and my world in an orderly fashion that allows me to trick myself into believing that something in life is actually certain and dependable.

Then life happens, and suddenly everything crashes to the ground and you are forced to admit that even the most certain aspects of your existence are actually uncertain.  

It isn't fun.

So you second guess yourself.  You wonder if you've lost your mind.  You wonder if happiness is something that exists outside of the pages of books and the scenes in movies.  You wonder if comfort is the same thing as happiness....or is there something more?  And if there is something more then do you even deserve it?  Are you greedy for wanting it?  

Perhaps I'm just morose today.  I'm feeling dark and twisty (you like that "Grey's Anatomy" reference don't you?), and since I've never been a rainbow and butterflies type of girl I guess I'll stay in my shadows today.  I'm comfortable with my darkness.  

I know I can be self-destructive and pessimistic and realistic and overly-logical and hard to live with and snarky and sarcastic and sardonic.....

I know I live in a world that is shades of gray and oft times devoid of color (and trust and patience and elation). 

Perhaps one day someone will learn to love my shades of gray or at the very least to understand it.

Crossroads

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

--Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken" (ca. 1920)

This poem, "The Road Not Taken," is one of my favorites.  I find it profound, thought provoking, calming.  I meditate upon Frost's words with great frequency.  I wish to live my life this way.  I wish to take the road less traveled by and I hope upon hope that it will indeed make all the difference.

I find myself standing at a crossroads, and I wonder quite sincerely which path is the less traveled, which path will make the biggest difference.  I am not sure there is any real way to know the answer with any certainty....

I know what I want.  I know what kind of life I wish to have.  I carry with me certain expectations--neatly wrapped and hidden away, but there all the same.  

I am only now beginning to understand that I fully deserve to choose my own path and to have the ideals and desires I hold close met.  

I am also experiencing a slow but steady awakening, a realization that I am myself fully capable of meeting my own needs and wants.  I am myself fully capable of weighing the pros and cons of life's situations and of making difficult decisions without outside influences.  I am myself fully capable of choosing the road less taken and enjoying the journey--wherever it may lead me.

I am also learning the immense value of patience and fortitude.  I do not need to rush.  I am at a crossroads--two roads diverged in a wood---and I can stand at that crossroads as long as I please.  I can take my time.  I owe it to myself to consider these paths and to consider my options.  So....

TWO roads diverged 

in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not

travel both 

And be one traveler, 

                                           long I stood....

Seven Deadly Sins

Most of you have at least heard of the seven deadly sins.  Maybe you can't name them all.  Maybe you aren't familiar with anything except the phrase 'seven deadly sins.'  Maybe you think you know all about them.  You probably don't know as much as you think you do.

Most people think there is a list of the seven deadly sins somewhere in the Bible.  There's not.  Not really.  There are lists of sins and virtues (see Proverbs 6:16-6:19), but the actual doctrine of seven concrete deadly sins one should avoid did not come about until at least the fifth century C.E. (A.D. for you non Religious Studies folks).

The list looks something like this:

7 DEADLY SINS

SPIRITUAL SINS: (the worse of the 7 sins):
1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Wrath

CORPORAL SINS (bodily sins--not so bad, viewed as bodily weakness):
4. Accidia (Sloth)
5. Avaricia (Greed)
6. Gluttony
7. Lust

Look familiar?  It probably does.  The seven deadly sins have been a topic of much conversation over the past 1,500+ years or so.  Academics still debate the origins of both the list and the ideology behind it.  I'm not that interested in the historiography of the seven deadly sins today. 

Today, I think I'd just like to make a few random observations. 

First, I don't like the word 'sin.'  I think 'sin' implies spiritual dirt and an unclean soul. It has negative connotations that I am not sure "God" (insert whatever creator you choose) would actually equate with these actions.  It seems to me the seven deadly 'sins' are actually 'vices.'  I would even go so far as to say these 'sins' are just a part of the human experience--human nature if you will. 

Who never feels proud, jealous, or angry?  Who isn't occasionally lazy, greedy, and gluttonous?  Who among us isn't lustful? Not me!  I'm one guilty lady. 

Perhaps that's the reason some early monk chose to write down these particular sins--not because they're 'deadly' and will surely lead to some sort of eternal damnation, but rather because these 'sins' are the most common.  These are common place 'vices.'

I would argue that these emotions (and most of these 'sins' are actually emotional responses to outside stimuli) are simply part of the human condition, and may not in themselves even be 'sins.'  Hell, they might not even be vices. 

My good friend Shelly Picarella helped write a short story anthology called Seven Deadly Sins.  I'm sure she spent a lot of time considering the same sorts of things (though admittedly, probably not in quite the same way I considered them) while writing her short story on sloth.  I can't wait to check out this book because I'm sure it will be as thought provoking as the mere idea they started with is. 

My final thoughts--I embrace my humanness.  I am human.  I err.  Sometimes erring is fun.  Sometimes it's even worth it.  I'll embrace the 'deadly sins' as part of my inherent nature.  I am but human after all ;)