Running For A Cause

As many of you know, I have struggled with a serious heart condition all of my life.  I was a sickly child and by middle school I wasn't even medically permitted to participate in phys ed anymore.  So while my best friends were playing soccer and softball and running on the track team, I was forced to watch them from the sidelines. 

My family is athletic.  I was as active as possible until I was 12 and my condition began deteriorating.  My great grandfather even played pro baseball.  I hated not being allowed to do anything 'fun.'  Fast forward a decade and you have the day my heart stopped beating. I was in my early twenties.  Congestive heart failure was my diagnosis. 

You hear about cancer and diabetes and obesity every day.  No one ever talks about CHF.  No one ever talks about how young some of the people who get it are.  No one ever talks about how it makes it hard to breathe or how sometimes your fingers and your feet swell to twice their normal size or how sometimes your fingernails and your lips turn blue because you don't have enough oxygen in your body.  No one ever talks about the heart valve problems that lead to this disorder or how these disorders get in the way of a normal, active childhood.  No one ever talks about the sick kids who need specialized medical care. 

Well I'm going to talk about it today.  I was that sick kid.  I have battled heart disease since I was a child.  I have fought to live.  I have fought to breathe.  I have fought to get better.  For more than a decade I have waged war with my own body.  You probably don't know what that's like, but however horrible you think it sounds--it's worse.

For the first time in my life though, I have control.  I feel like I'm winning this never ending battle against this disease.  I have completed several rounds of cardiac rehab, and this last time....it stuck. 

In March my doctor told me I could start walking a mile a day.  I haven't been medically permitted to do that since I was 16 years old.  I'm 27 now. At first I could barely make it the whole mile.  I threw up.  I wheezed.  I coughed. My lips turned blue.   In May my doctor told me I could start jogging part of that mile.  Again, I wheezed. I coughed. I threw up. My lips turned blue.  I kept at it. 

Now it's the end of August.  It may have taken me nearly six months, but I'm going further and faster now.  I run 1.5 miles 2 to 3 times a week, and 3.8 miles once a week.  Some days I still wheeze, cough, turn blue, and puke.

I am happy to report that I currently show no signs or symptoms of CHF.  My mitral valve still does not work quite the way it should.  My heart still beats too fast.  But I'm okay...and I'm running.

Couch to 5k in 10 weeks?  Not me.  Couch to 5k in six months?  Yep, that's me!  I just signed up for my first ever 5k.  I picked Hit the Brixx 5k for my first 5k because it benefits Kid's Path.  Kid's Path is an organization that helps children living with life threatening illnesses, children who are sick.  I know what it's like to be sick when all you want to do is play outside.  I know what it's like to watch your friends do things you can't do.  I wanted my first 5k to benefit a cause that is dear to me.  I wanted to show these sick children that sometimes when you fight you win and sometimes miracles do happen. 

I don't have a lofty goal for my 5k.  My only goal is to finish.  This race requires you to finish in 55 minutes so I hope I can do that.  If you'd like to come support me and every other sick child (or all grown up sick kids) then please visit the website or show up on race day to cheer me on!

Major Adjustments

Photo courtesy of this blog

It has been one of those weeks.  You know the ones--where everything goes wrong..  We all have them. That week where Murphy's Law is in full effect. This week was that week for me.  It was also a really important week for me so you can imagine my stress level.

I've felt a lot like the woman in the cartoon to the right.  I have had a million things to do and not enough time to do them in.  I felt left behind by my own schedule. 

I like things to be neat, orderly, and well scheduled.  This week did not work out that way.  Every scheduled meeting date and time got changed last minute.  Books I needed for courses weren't ordered by the bookstore.  My financial aid refund was late coming in.  Parking Services lost my parking permit. Yes, lost it. My work schedule got changed last minute (because my other meetings were changed last minute and my boss graciously allowed me to move my start time). The computer network crashed. My email crashed. My car failed inspection and then I got pulled over because my tag was expired and of course you can't renew it without a current inspection. Eek!  Help!  Mayday! Mayday! 

In the end, though, everything worked itself out.  I made it to all of my meetings, albeit haphazardly and flustered.  My refund arrived. Parking Services eventually found my permit. My first day of work went off without another hitch.  I successfully located Center City Campus and my uptown class.  The IT people were able to repair the crazy computer network.  I was finally able to get into my student email account.My husband fixed my car and it passed inspection.  My tag is no longer expired.   I still haven't gotten all of my books, but I'm headed to the bookstore next so cross your fingers!  

My schedule, my job, my graduate program, my professors, and just about everything else is different.  Different is scary, but it's also invigorating.  I can adjust to all this wackiness.  I will learn to juggle my new schedule and responsibilities.  I can learn about these new people and places in my life.  I was overwhelmed this week, but I think everything's gonna be just fine!

Reflections on Work

Today is the last day of my two week notice.  I will be starting a new job on Monday.  I feel like I should reflect on this some, but I'm not really sure what to say about it.  I'll just do my best to be honest and hope that makes for good reading!

The job I'm leaving isn't a terrible job.  I don't work with terrible people.  In fact, most of my coworkers are lovely people.  I don't hate my job.  But I don't love it either.  I guess that's the problem.  Many people would be content to do what I've been doing.  I work in an office at a community college.  Some days I love what I do.  The days I get to help students achieve their goals and I feel like I'm making a real difference--those days---I love my job.  Most days, however, are filled with mediocrity.  Most days are the same.  Most tasks are the same.  Most questions are the same.  I've gotten bored with more of the same.

I've become quite efficient at my daily tasks.  As a result I tend to finish my work hours before I'm actually scheduled (and able) to leave.  I get bored.  I despise being bored.  I suppose I needed something more challenging and there wasn't much more I could add to this position to make it more challenging.  There was only so much I could grow and learn in this position, and I'd met that goal.

I think you should always strive to learn about yourself, and I certainly learned a lot about myself through the course of this position.  I learned that I absolutely hate working inside.  I wrote this post to better explain that lesson.  I also learned I get bored if i have to sit down for too long.  I like to move around.  I like to teach.  I'm not an office work kind of gal!  I like to be challenged. I like to master tasks.  I'm pretty good at increasing workplace efficiency.  Who knew?  Certainly not me. 

I also learned that it's easier to get up and go to work every day if you like the people you work with.  Even a mundane job is more fun when you have pleasant coworkers.  I learned that irritation can be overcome with laughter.  A smile really can brighten your day.  A kind word is always welcome.  Someone appreciates what you do, even if you don't think it's important.  I learned that it's okay to do what's best for you.  People will understand.  My coworkers have shown me the good in people.  I will be forever grateful for that. 

So this job wasn't a waste of my time, energy, and efforts.  I grew in this position.  This position was an important stepping stone in my continued growth and potential. 

I am nervous and excited to begin my new position. I am also brimming with hope.  I hope this new job will teach me as much as the old one did.  I hope my coworkers will be as amazingly kind.  I hope I will find joy in every assignment.  I hope this new position will lead to bigger and brighter things.  I hope my first day will be wonderful!

Day 25: A Character I Can Relate to Most (or: Am I Still A Scholar?)

I am taking part in the 30 Day Book Challenge.  Click the link to do it too (and add your blog to my meme)!  *could someone please tell me why my draft page reads "30 Day Book Challenge" and my actual blog page reads "96 Day Book Challenge"?  How do I fix this*

This is a tough one. While I'm tempted to go with Hermione Granger and that answer would certainly be true, perhaps I should try to find someone else.  I think I'm going to have to peruse my bookshelves to find the answer.

Ah, yes.  There it is!  Jennifer Lee Carrell's Interred With Their Bones.

Kate Shelton is a Shakespeare scholar who agonizes over her decision to leave the world of academia to pursue a career in theatre.  Kate soon finds herself embroiled in a murder mystery and she must use her scholarly training to unearth a lost work of Shakespeare and catch a murderer.

Okay, Okay.  So I don't really identify with the whole 'catching a murderer' thing.  And I'm definitely not a Shakespeare scholar.  And I don't direct plays....although I did stage manage once upon a time, but that's a story for another day.  I also don't live in England.  *sigh* I wish I did.  Wouldn't it be lovely to live in London?

What?  I'm getting off topic?  Sorry about that!  Kate and I don't have a lot in common outwardly, but I really connected with the internal struggle she faced over her decision to leave academia behind.

I am currently a graduate student.  When I started I was wholly convinced that the only thing in the whole world for me to do was get my doctorate and be a professor.  I longed for it.  I idealized it.  I was going to be a professor.  It was the only career for me.

Then life struck and my department struck and certain events unfolded that royally pissed me off.  I had a 4.0 GPA.  I had presented at major conferences.  I had proven myself to be a damned good Teaching Assistant. I was on the fast track to doctoral success.  Then I got screwed.  I will forever maintain that my department erred greatly. I'm not the only one who felt that way.  A few professors agreed with me. I was so angry I left the program.

I spent all of last year embroiled in my own internal struggle over leaving academia.  If I wasn't going to be a professor then what in holy hell was I going to be?  More importantly, who was I at all outside the confines of a university?  I had no idea.  I was entrenched in a myriad of emotions:  anger, resentment, despair, confusion, sadness, more anger.

I finally decided to return to graduate school for a more practical degree, a M.A. in Public History.  I've decided to return to the wonderful world of museums.  I struggle daily with this decision.  I am enamored of the Middle Ages.  I am at heart a medievalist.  I always will be.  I do enjoy American History though and museums make knowledge more accessible to the masses.  Museums are friendlier.  Museums are less likely to practice subterfuge.  Yet some days, some days...I long for the scholarly confines of an academic library and a dissertation.

Day 24: A Book I Wish More People Would've Read

I'm taking part of the 30 Day Book Challenge.  Click the link to do it too (and add your blog to my meme)!

There are lots of amazing books I love and I am always surprised when someone hasn't read a book I enjoyed thoroughly.  This is a tough one for me.  There are so many to choose from.  I think I'm going to select a book I really enjoyed, but I don't think many people have even heard of.  I wish the author would write a second book. 

This book is awesome.  It appeals to a wide audience.  Read it. NOW.  Maybe if you do Leslie Silbert will write a second book.

Who Are You

"Who are you?"

That's a loaded question, isn't it?  It should have a simple answer....but it doesn't.  There are so many different ways to answer such a question.

"I'm Jennifer."

But what does that really mean?  Is that enough of an answer?  *shaking my head*  Nope.   Most of the time people feel the need to qualify that with something else. "I'm Jennifer and I'm a writer."  Oh wait.  I don't really get paid to do that.  "I'm Jennifer and I work at a community college."  In fact, if I didn't qualify it then most of you would ask, "So what do you do?"

What do I do?  "I'm Jennifer and I read a lot."  "I'm Jennifer and I dance around the house in my underwear singing loudly and quite off key to Adele."  "I"m Jennifer and I write blogs some people find amusing sometimes." Oh wait!  I know!  "I'm Jennifer and I'm in grad school so right now I have no life."

How about, "I'm Jennifer and I don't really know who I am yet."  Is that okay?  What's with the judgement?  Why do I have to have some neatly packaged answer that sums up my identity in two sentences?  Why does anybody?

If I say, "I'm Jennifer and I work at a community college," then CorporateMan usually asks, "So are you climbing that ladder?"  What ladder?  What the fuck are you people talking about?  For God's sake!  I don't want to climb any ladder!  I most especially don't want to climb this one.  Why am I even talking to you?

If I say, "I'm Jennifer and I'm a writer," that's usually followed by, "Oh so what have you written?  Anything I know?"  Probably not seeing as how my only published works at this time are poetry and articles in academic journals you've likely never heard of.  I don't ask you, "Oh so you're a teacher.  Teach any lesson plans I've heard of?"  Or "Oh so you're a financial advisor.  Have you just thrown all your papers in the air and said 'Look at the stock market!  Nobody has any idea what the hell is going on.  Advise yourself asshole!"  


Sometimes I say, "I'm Jennifer and I'm in grad school."  That tends to be followed by, "Oh so what do you want to do when you're done with that?"  Maybe I'll never be done with that. Maybe I'll be a lifelong student.  Maybe I'll collect degrees like other people collect shoes.  Hey, you work at the mall.  So what do you want to do when you're done with that?  Oh what--I'm not supposed to say that?  I just figured we were both ambitious....

 As a woman I've found the first thing other women say to me is, "I'm GenericLady and I have 2.5 kids and a dog. His name is Obligatory and I don't really like to play with him, but hey--everybody else has one."  Then GenericLady babbles on about PrincessGoodypants' dance lessons and how her daughter is the next Prima Ballerina.  She proceeds to tell me about CarObsessedKarateBoy and how he's a genius who will cure cancer and fly to outer-space, all while delivering babies in some remote village in Africa.  All of this occurs while PrincessGoodypants is smearing GenericLady's lipstick all over her little face and CarObsessedKarateBoy is picking his nose.  

Then GenericLady beams at me and says, "So how many kids do you have?"  Oh CRAP.  I pull my lips into a fake smile that surely looks more like a sneer and then I say, "Oh, I don't have any children."  GenericLady makes a judgmental hmmmm sound and then says, "Oh well.  That's alright.  I'm sure you'll have one soon."  She proceeds to smile smugly and invite me to drop by her cookie cutter house before climbing into her SUV and calling her closest friend from her Mommy and Me Group on her iphone to gossip about the selfish woman she just met who dared to not have children despite being married and owning a house. 

I'm Jennifer.  What do I do?  Lots of things.  What is my job?  That changes sometimes, but it's not who I am.  Who am I? I think I'll let you figure that part out all by yourself...

Rainy Reading Day

Photo courtesy of Sibuki, available on Deviant Art

Yesterday was perfect.  I unexpectedly got the day off (yay for extended weekends) and I was able to relax.  I decided to celebrate my good fortune with a trip to Borders (which is having a going out of business sale *sad face*).  I found an awesome planner for a great price and I bought Kiersten White's newest book, Supernaturally, which I'm sure is going to be AWESOME.  As I was leaving the clouds let loose and a torrential rain began to batter the sun baked parking lot.  I went back in the bookstore and purchased a really awesome umbrella (Yes, it's really awesome and yes I am actually excited about an umbrella purchase). 

I had to drive about 15 miles under the speed limit all the way home because of the rain.  Normally, I would find this irritating to the extreme.  But yesterday I was grateful for the rain and I simply enjoyed my slow drive home.  I did not enjoy my soaked, slippery flip flops, but other than that I was at peace.

My husband had already left for work by the time I got home.  I turned on my laptop and clicked on Spotify  so I could listen to my music library.  Yesterday I rocked out to Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, and Feist.  I opened the blinds so I could see and hear the pittery-pattery rainfall.  Then I changed into some cozy yoga pants, a huge sweatshirt, and some fuzzy socks.  I made myself a glass of hot tea and curled up on the couch with a good book.  Does it get any better than that?  I think not.

Life Changes

My energy has been flagging all week.  I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  I'm hot.  I don't want to do anything, but of course it seems I have to do everything.  It also seems I don't have time to do anything I'm actually interested in doing, but then again that could roll back around to the whole I don't want to do anything thing.

I guess I'm just in the mood for a lazy week.  But I don't have time to be lazy!  I'm returning to grad school this month.  I've worked out a very time consuming schedule that will result in
              A)  An early graduation (3 semesters to a M.A. baby!)
              B)  An assistantship that pays more than my current part time job for less hours per week

I am very excited about graduate school, but as I've done this before I am quite aware just how much work it will be.  I spent hours yesterday working out my degree plan so I can finish in 3 semesters.  This semester will be easier than the next two, but I am determined to wrap this thing up quickly and with a giant bow.

I also have something that could be quite life changing in the works.  I'm not sure how it's going to work out yet, but I really hope it will work out the way I want it to.  We'll see.  More on that later.

I'll also be working on a new schedule that will allow me to get in some more writing time. 

I hope the blog won't be neglected during all of these life changes, but I can't promise that.  I'll do my best to keep you all updated and stay on top of things! 

Day 23: A Book You've Wanted to Read For A Long Time But Still Haven't

I'm taking part of the 30 Day Book Challenge.  Click the link to do it too (and add your blog to my meme)!
A lot of you are going to be downright irritated at me, but I still haven't read:

I know it's supposed to be marvelous, but for some reason I just havne't gotten around to reading it yet.  I just hope it's worth all the hype!